Envied, Doubted, and Pressured

Emotions are inevitable. Are feelings? I could argue that emotions and feelings are directly correlated. On the other hand, is it possible to choose to feel and to choose to ignore? Can I say to an emotion that “I do not want to feel you today.” Is this something I can control? Every Tuesday, I am pressured into focusing and choosing my feelings. Why can’t I be free?

I think that many times feelings and emotions are thought of as the same thing. I think that it is true that they are very similar. I think certain emotions have increased rates of feeling attached to them. Happiness is like sunshine and sadness is like darkness. Does the sun choose to peek out through the clouds, or does it simply wait for the clouds to pass? I think that certain emotions are more “controllable” than others.

Control.

Control.

Control.

I have a mental illness. This is something that I recognize and it is something that I think I have blocked out for long enough. I have uncontrollably felt sad and anxious for most of my life. Environment has been a root of this disorder. I go from feeling happy, inspired, even motivated and in the next few moments, I am spiraling down. I have friends who I am happy to see at first and then I have a voice in my head saying twisted, confusing stories about them that feel like reality. I have extremely vivid dreams that mislead me beyond belief. At a surface level, I am okay. It is a different story when it comes to the depth of my being.

My brain sparks with distraction. Everything, every little word, every glance…I am not focused. I am worried about the next minutes, hours, days, and what they will hold. I am grasping on to my pebble repeating the mantra “be here, be here, be here.”

“You are too hard on yourself,” my counselor says.

Why should I be soft?

 

 

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