I am not doing too well today. I am currently in my last year (plus an extra semester) of study. However, I am in the freshman general education courses, so I am now taking “stress management.” It’s THE best.
Don’t get me wrong. I can see how this class is of good use, and of great substance to people starting off college, and a part of me wishes that I would have taken it my first year. On the other hand, I am a recovering bulimic. I have had bulimia on and off for six years. There was a point where I would weigh myself five times a day and if the scale did not hit a certain number, then that was that. I was going to throw my guts up.
These days, I have been making the journey to a healthier lifestyle. I no longer throw up (manually), due to the help and love of my wonderful boyfriend who supports me and unconditionally cares for me. I no longer own a scale, and I no longer have toxic people in my life who influence those behaviors. These have proven to be great challenges, and there are so many tempting triggers to avoid. One of the triggers is fitness testing .
So, what I am truly getting at is that I had to weigh myself for the first time and see where I was at on the fitness level compared to the rest of my classmates. A true nightmare, right? RIGHT.
Whenever we started, my professor said that they were all just numbers, and that’s okay, if you have never had any issue doing these types of things. Just numbers…they don’t rate you as a person. No one is better or worse than anyone….but we all know that’s not true. I remember being mocked in middle school about how I was built, and then it all came together as a whirlwind of emotion that eventually led to eating disorders and mental health issues. People will start to hear you after you have repeated hateful things to them.
Anyways, the scores that I got on my fitness test ranked me as obese. That word. OBESE. It’s the worst possibly thing that someone can be. Isn’t that true? To me, yes. You can be mean, ugly, sarcastic, but if you’re obese WATCH OUT. You are the worst of the worst!
Unfortunately, this is how things are for me. After that class, I came straight home to a lovely dinner cooked by my favorite person, and I was okay. I think that having someone to help patch you up is incredible. I think having anything to help you is incredible. It isn’t necessarily a person, but it can be an animal, book, etc.
I just really loathe how numbers can make someone feel successful or like a failure. If you are healthy and a good person, then you are okay. This is my mantra. It is okay.